New Beginnings Never Were Easy

Well the year is almost over and I have a lot to look back on. There are good memories, ones of late night Dt Coke runs, or of jumping in the lake and freezing the whole way home. And with every good memory, can also come not so good ones. There were many long nights spent in tears, over boys, over lost friends, over fights. There was pain, and hardships. College isn't easy. Being picked on, made fun of and ridiculed is hurtful. But losing a friendship over something silly hurts worse. This year I have had to learn the hard way that sometimes letting go, although hard, is going to be better for you. I thought that maybe, finally, I had found out what love is. I was ready to finally settle down. And then, twice, it turned on me. He ended up not being who I thought he was, and betraying my trust. Its hard to trust again once someone has so badly hurt you. There were some days where I don't even know how I made it through without losing my head. Many times when I wanted so badly to just cry and cry, but yet the tears wouldn't come. Those are the days that made me stronger. They made me who I am now. Everyone makes mistakes, small or large, they are mistakes that can be hard to overcome. But almost always, there is a lesson to be learned.
I leave for BYU-Idaho in 17 days, and couldn't be happier. I feel like it is the right place for me to be, living with my grandparents and cousin, yet something has me down about it. I have never lived away from my parents before, and it is going to be really hard adjusting to not being with them. Not having them there to proof read my papers and listen to my crazy ideas and plans. I will miss running to the store with Mom, or visiting Dad at work every Wednesday. Life is going to be so different away from what I have always known. It already is different because I quit the job I have worked at for nearly 3 years. I worked there all through High School and my first two semesters of College. I know it will be hard, but nothing is supposed to be easy. Life throws us challenges, and overcoming them is how we become better people. I want to be the absolute best I can be, inside and out, so that I can be ready for whatever my future throws my way. Everyone tells me I should serve an LDS Mission, but it doesn't feel like the right thing to do. People tell me that I will be married in the next short while, and to be honest, as much as I would like that, getting married scares me and I know that I am not ready. Not yet. Heck, I am scared to even live away from my parents right now.
All I can say is that whatever life throws at me next, I hope I have the courage to get through it, and I hope I have chosen the right people to stand by me.

My Future...

As I have gone through these last couple of weeks, I have been thinking a lot about my future, what I want to do, who I want to be and the kind of people I want to be with. Especially who I want to eventually marry. I made a short (ish) list of what I want to look for in my future spouse.
1. He needs to Honor his Priesthood
2. Live and love the gospel
3. He has to be good with kids. It makes a guy so much more attractive if he loves playing with young children!!!
4. He has to be taller than me (not too hard cause I'm only 5'5"...)
5. Being spontaneous is always a major plus!
6. He has to be a romantic... the kind of guy who would bring me flowers at work, or school... just because he can!
I am sure that there is more, but I really just would want a man who loves me for me!!

He Knows Our Need, He Hears Our Silent Prayers

Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, they got better! I chose to go to Institute and it seriously made my day all better. I had a bad attitude and felt really worthless and then I went to that class and was silently reminded that the Lord is always there for us. I felt the spirit so strongly and felt so loved and welcomed by everyone who was there. Being reminded of this past weekend, Conference Weekend, and the things I learned and heard, it helped me put a smile on my face. It helped me realize that I do have a purpose in life and I do have goals that I want to accomplish. The Church is true. I know that now. The Lord hears our prayers, even when sometimes we don't say it out loud, he still hears us. He knows what we need and will send us people who can help us get through the trials we are facing. I love this gospel that I am privileged to be apart of. I am so blessed!!

Life is Good!!!

What is that word that they use in Bambi when they feel love? Is it twitterpaited? I think I now know the meaning of that word! I seriously have been blown off my feet. Sometimes opportunities present themselves to you when you are least expecting them. When you stop looking, then will you find what you were always looking for. Institute is a great place... it helps you find yourself. And in some cases... it helps you find true love!!!
Even though school has been hard, and classes aren't what I thought they would be, I know that this is what I need to be doing. I need to be in school. I need to get my education. Once I get through all this headache of school, if I stay on the right path, the Lord will help me with my future. For now, I just have to trust in him.
Sorry that got kinda churchy, but that is just how I have felt lately.

Life if great. Even though sometimes it can be quite the climb, the view is amazing!

College Life

Wow. Just wow. I'm almost half way into the semester... Where has the time gone? Sitting in the hallway waiting for class to start, I should be doing homework, but I just can't bring myself to doing it. I know what it feels like now to be stressed to the max! English papers flying at me, movies to watch for history-- I have so much to do and so little time to do it! And that's just the beginning!

This summer I was told I had skin cancer. Yeah, it's not the worst cancer out there, but it had me scared! In August, I had my first operation where they took the cancer that had grown off my head and sent it to the lab to be tested.  Three weeks ago I had a second surgery to make sure that they had gotten it all. I'm happy to say that they did and I am now cancer free! I just have to be careful when out in the sun, but shouldn't everyone? I'll admit, knowing that I have the very high possibility of getting cancer again, it still scares me. I am Nineteen! I shouldn't have had cancer already! I know that I did grow from it and learn a lot about what I need to do while here in life.

Working 40 hours a week while attending College is hard. Yes, I make it to all my classes, but with work, it is hard to sleep at night and get all my homework done. A few nights each week I have to decide what is more important, my school work or sleeping. Usually sleeping wins. I hope that I can get into this routine of school, sleep and work soon.

A few fun things I have done recently.... and other random tid bits

* Went to Logan to visit a very good friend and break up with a not so good boyfriend
* Taught younger brother to drive a manual!
* I'm addicted to the TV show Pretty Little Liars- I started watching it after my last surgery when I had to rest to let my head heal... I think Ezra Fitz is so attractive
* I am a little baby hungry-- it has been too long since there was a baby in our house!!
* I think I might be in love with a Missionary who comes home in March!!!
* I want a new job, or to become a manager at my current one (Hint Hint......)
* I find it very hard to work on one thing at a time... I get distracted easily!!

Forgiving the Unwilling

Why is it so hard for someone to drop the past and forgive?

I have noticed a lot lately that people hold grudges, big ones. And they aren't very quick to forgive! I have had some friendships lost over this, and others are slowly trying to mend themselves. The Lord has asked us to forgive and forget, so why don't we? He knows what he is talking about. He knows more pain then we will ever know as well, pain that we ourselves have inflicted upon him, yet he still is willing to forgive us of our wrongs.

I hope that I can always be willing to listen and try to fix problems that someone might have with me. Holding a grudge is useless and just causes yourself more problems then needed. Being rude, unkind and mean to someone is a waste of time. Talk it out, and forgive.

Healing of the Heart

You know that feeling when you have lost something and don't know if you will ever have it back? Or when you think you have finally found something close to it, but it ends up being a huge disappointment? 

I have had a lot of these feelings lately! I have experienced pain that I don't think anyone should ever have to face. Being let down by someone you care a lot about hurts, because you put everything, every emotion into it, and then they just walk away! 

Trying to get over these hurt feelings, trying to forgive and move on is hard! It is hard to see the one who hurt you, so happy with someone else, happy not being around you or with you, but you have to be strong, I have to be strong. Find the things that make you happy.

Its hard, but if you find things you love to surround yourself with, maybe its the smell of a rose, maybe its standing in the pouring rain, or maybe its driving around town listening to your favorite song.. if you do those things, your heart will start to heal. It takes time, it takes effort, it even takes pain, but broken hearts will heal!

Trials... Good or Bad?

Somethings just never seem to work out the way you plan. You face trials and hardships everyday! Some are big problems, and some are small. But no matter their size or importance, you still can get something out of it. But how do you learn from something that is hard? How do you learn from your mistakes? What if you just keep making the same mistakes over and over again!? How do you change? How do you turn your trials into blessings? Is that even possible?

I believe that every trial can be turned into a learning experience. Every time we are faced with a mountain that is harder to climb then the last one, we just have to keep climbing until we reach the top. It may seem like a far and long ways away, but if you just keep looking forward and up, and never look backwards and down, you will make it to the top. You will over come your trail and you will learn the lesson you needed to learn. I know that was a dumb analogy, but it makes sense if you think about it.

It is hard to go through life not knowing simple things, not knowing why you are here, not knowing what you are going to do in life, who you will become, where you will live, what you will do... Sometimes, I know I do, we feel lost. We feel like we have no where to go, no one to talk to, and we feel like we are alone in the world. And maybe we are. Maybe we will have to stand alone... Maybe we will have to make a stand against a friend, a brother, a parent, and go against what everyone around us is doing--what they say is 'good' and do what we know inside is the right thing to do. We may loose a friendship. We might have to let a relationship go, but those are trials that we need to be willing to face, to go through, if we are to find out who we really are. You can't live someone else's life and expect to become yourself. You have to find that out for yourself.

No one can tell you what to do, or how to be. You must decide that for your self. Being out of High School and starting my life as an adult has been hard. You loose the circle of friends that you grew up with. I know I feel alone a lot now. I feel like no one understands, like I am just another person out in this huge world. I know its not true, but when you go from day to day doing the exact same thing, it gets old... not having a close friend, a boyfriend, even just someone to go to with a problem that you want advice on-- its hard, but everyone is going to go through it in life. Its a trial we will all face eventually.

So are trials good? Yes, I believe that they will make you stronger in the end. You may not think so while you are facing them, but down the road, you will look back on them and you will know then what you might not know now-- that every trial was sent to you so that you could learn something. So that you could grow in ways that you otherwise wouldn't have. I am grateful that I have been sent the trials I am facing. Even though I feel alone, even though I am struggling in school, even though my life is not perfect, I know I am learning life lessons that I will use for the rest of my earthly life- and for that, I am thankful for every single one of my many hardships.

Am I alone?

You know those days when nothing seems to go right? Those days when no matter how hard you try to do the right thing, it still seems to be the wrong thing? Or when everything gets blamed on you for no apparent reason? Today has been that day.

I thought that life is supposed to get easier when you are okay with who you are and when you find a purpose for living. Well maybe I just haven't found the right purpose? Maybe I live each day for the wrong reasons? Maybe there is something else I should be doing-- something else I should be looking forward to each day? But if that is the case, what is my purpose? Do I really need to go back to the basic question of 'Why am I here?'

Life is full of lessons to learn, people to try and please and trials to face. But I am still young, I want to be young, wild, and free-- free to do what I want, when I want and not have to deal with daily problems. But I know I can't. I know that I have responsibilities. I know that I have obligations. But I need time to my self. I need to find out who I am before I can try to help others, and isn't that what everyone's goal should be? To try and always lift others up instead of seeking out ways to put them down? Maybe I am trying too hard to be something I am not, but what else can you do when the world is just pushing you down that path? What else do you do when you are standing alone, completely alone, in everything that you do? Being alone is hard. It is hard to not be liked by everyone. To have people who openly hate and mock you on a daily basis. It makes you wonder if the people who are your 'friends' really are, or if they are just like the rest of them. What do they say about you when you are not there? Are your secrets really safe with them? Who do you trust when you feel so alone? No one.

Choosing to be truly happy can be hard when there is so much trying to tear you down. But it is still a choice, a choice you ultimately have to make alone, and for yourself. Even if it means that you have to learn lessons the hard way, even if it means that when life throws trials at you, you face them with a good attitude, and you work through it and then move on. Choosing to be happy is the harder road in life. We all want the easy way in life, which is going to be choosing to let everything upset you. We all do it. We all have bad days. We all face trials and let them bring us down. But what if we don't? What if we take a stand against it? What if we choose to change?

I might be alone. I might not have the easy life. But I am strong because of my trials. I know that trials are just a bump in the road of life and with faith both in God and in myself, I can get through anything. It will be hard, but it will be worth every minute of it in the end.

So who do you trust? You!! What to do you when you are lost? Follow what is in your heart, what you feel inside and what you and only you believe you should do. Because who knows you better then yourself? No one! Don't let anyone guide your life. It is yours, so make it what you want it to be.

Change Has Come

One of the hardest things in life is change. Change in time zones, change in weather, change in friends, change in jobs... Change is just hard. The next hardest thing in life is having to say goodbye. We were given a new bishopric today in my Young Single Adult ward. It was so hard to say goodbye to the leaders I have grown to know and love. I know that I along with the rest of the YSA ward will miss those men and their AMAZING wives!! Having these new Priesthood leaders is a big change. I am nervous to see how next sunday goes.